Hello, and peace be upon you, fellow reader.

Today, I would like to write a few things that I feel needed to be written.
I would like to ask for forgiveness. From my dorm mates.

These past few weeks, I've been nothing but an inconstant sight to them. I've been too busy being welled up in my own hypocrisy and envy to the point where I reveal my nasty behaviour to them.
My attitude rapidly kept changing. The change was as short as a trip to the washroom and back. And these are not the constipated trips I'm talking about. These are the speedy peeing trips, acknowledging the fact that I speedily urinate due to my paranoia of ehem ghosts ehem.
But yeah, the point is, my mood swung really fast.

I hurt them. I really did. All of them. I've told, I think most of them about my lower secondary school past. I didn't think that it would happen to them. It was the last few days of school for this year too. You see, I always tend to ruin things toward the end.

I actually said some unpretty, unplanned and unpleasant things to them. Things completely different than what I had to say and wanted to say when I announced the dorm meeting, which was last night by the way. My heart was too cold for forgiveness, and as much as I claimed that I didn't blame them for my past attitude, it became obviously true that I actually did. And I find that idiotic of myself.

Ugh, stupid! Why did I say those stupid words yesterday! They were just having fun and being happy, and I had to ruin that for them. I always ruin things!

I hate thinking about this. But I can't stand to imagine me not able to become myself around them anymore as much as they have become their selves in front of me. God, I am so selfish.
I am so, so pathetic.

I have two people in particular in my mind. Although I hurt all of them, I know these two were affected the most. I hurt them the most. I took advantage of their niceness and only saw the negative of their actions. Padahal, there was no negativity in their actions at all. And I tried so hard to frame them as the bad ones. What a fool. What happened to the me who always said to never assume and prejudge? I am a hypocrite.

I wanted to say these things to the two of them so, so badly, but I

I don't know if they are even willing to forgive me anymore. It's not the first time I've done this to them, I'm sure. I miss them. God, why am I such a moron?

So.

Untuk Syafiqa,
kita bodoh sangat dan kita deserve the silent treatment you are giving me. Kita mintak maaf, sebab selama ni kita selalu sangat jeles dgn awak punya niceness. Kita memang cepat dengki. Kita teruk. Kita deserve awak punya ketidaksukaan terhadap kita. Kenapa bila kita buat silap and tunggu lama sikit, baru kita nampak yang kita ni salah? Kita marah dekat benda yang sepatutnya kita suka. Kita rindu awak. Terutamanya time kita org selalu sama sama. Bila kita tengok balik, kita faham kenapa awak selalu tinggalkan kita dulu. Kalaulah kita ambik sebagai benda positif time tu, mungkin benda tu akan jadi satu dorongan untuk kita supaya kita berhenti menjadi seorang pengecut. Awak memang baik. From the bottom of my heart, I pledge myself guilty and I deserve balasan Allah dekat akhirat nanti, sebab menganaia orang yang baik. And from the bottom of my heart, kita r in du awak. I took advantage of the times when we were closer and always joking around and those deep talks we had- without the arguments. Although it was a risk, I fell into gullibility and unintentionally took the risk. I believed that I loved you. (no homo)

I don't know anymore if I even deserve to love and be loved by a good person such as you. I always became annoyed when you seemed too nice. Because of, well, envy. I'm stupid, I know.
I'm sorry, Syafiqa, for still not talking to you, even after you bought me ice cream with a post-it note, saying that you were sorry. I don't deserve your love. God, I'm sooooooooooooo stupid.
So so so so so so so stupid. Yell at me. I hate myself. I'm sorry. I'm so mean.

I miss you.




To Meen,
an innocent victim to my vex behaviour. You never deserved any of this. Both of you, you were always nothing but nice to me. I shouldn't have felt hurt. I shouldn't have felt jealous that you were always with Syafiqa instead of me. These are the words that I forgot to mention last night. These are the real confessions. I was jealous of you and her. I was jealous that she became the one you always call for. I wish I was called for too. I wish I was also in the middle of your and her relationship. Dulu, kau selalu manjakan aku. It's stupid for me to feel jealous. Kita orang pun baru kenal beberapa bulan. Aku pun tak sepatutnya jadi terlalu "diri aku" sangat depan korang. Aku ni tah apa apa. Dahlah lurus bendul. Annoying. Mean. Betul lah yang kau kata tu. Aku memang teruk. Aku jadi self-deffensive sangat semalam sampaikan aku termarah benda yang kau terasa. Bodohnya aku.
Aku rindu kau. Aku tak deserve dapat kawan macam kau juga. Aku pernah buat kau sentap pasal lelaki semua padahal aku tak tahu pun apa akan jadi kalau aku dalam tempat kau. I am a selfish person who doesn't know manners and gratitude.
Aku probably takkan dapat kau punya "unexpected calls at the right time" lagi dah. Aku faham kalau kau mula membenci aku. Apa yang aku kata malam semalam tu semua benda yang menunjukkan aku taknak nampak macam pihak yang jahat. Padahal betul lah tu, aku yang jahat dekat korang.
I'm sincerely sorry. And really miss you too.


To my other lovely dorm mates,

I

Have not been the the best dorm leader. I have not been taking my responsibilities to the fullest. I haven't been taking things seriously. Oh, if only I had been a better and more rational dorm leader, maybe you guys would really respect me. Now, I see that I don't deserve the respect at all.
I have high hopes in you guys, and I guess, telling you guys that probably made things worse. I don't know.
I'm sorry for randomly being shrill at you guys. I am sorry that I haven't acknowledged each and every one of you enough. I do so very much love you. We are a family. But I shouldn't have been too comfortable that I show you my lowest flaws. I should've been more polite. I should've been more appreciative. I should've been a better leader. But I wasn't.

And that is why, being my indecisive self, I would like to put the decision on you guys, whether or not, you still want me to be dorm leader or not.


A person or thing that holds a dominant or superior position within its field, and is able to exercise a high degree of control or influence over others.

 Up there is a definition to the word leader. Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings guys. I'm doing this for the sake of the dorm. And I hope you will do it for the sake of the dorm too. Think hard and make your choice. I don't find this a small matter and I hope you guys don't either.

I'm sorry for not being able to tell you guys about this face-to-face. The reason is because I'm a coward, and I just don't know  how to put it to you guys. You guys will still be my darlings whether or not I am elected as leader again.

Make good judgement, think of another candidate that your sure would become a finer leader than me, if you ever choose that I should put down my title. I don't want to do this for co-curricular marks. I wanna do this for you guys. I love you guys, no matter what you decide.

To conclude, I ask for forgiveness and for us all to start a new book. I hope that those I've hurt before, I will hurt no more. I love every single one of you. And I'm sorry I haven't been giving you the good treatment that you all deserve.

Til then, text me, whatsapp me, call me or whatever. Insya'Allah amends be made during our trip to Taman Botany (which is not too far away now is it)

From the bottom of my heart,
I love you.

I truly believe the things that I have been taught
I truly believe in what my mother says
I truly believe in what the old and wise have told me
I truly believe in miracles in this world
I truly believe that I plan my own future
and I truly believe that only Allah SWT can decide whether or not those plans will meet
and I truly believe that I'm here for a reason
that everybody is here for a reason
and I truly believe The Prophet Muhammad pbuh, is the guide to a perfect life
and I truly believe that Allah SWT is fair and forgiving as much as He is giving
and I wish that everybody would believe in what I believe
because it would be very sad and shameful if not

Greetings.

Well, I would like to tell you a story about the life a girl who lives in a rat's-nest-house.

This, is going to be a long story.


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